What Men Still Don't Understand

We got guys to reveal the intimate, embarrassing, surprising things they really want to know about how to make sex with you better, sweeter, hotter. Here, the good news you can both use.

As far as sex goes, we men have only two questions. They sum up every curiosity we've ever had, every mystery we've yearned to unravel. 1. Now? 2. Why not now? Well, those are the only official questions. Unofficially, there are a few others we'd like to ask, some that pertain to certain puzzles that have nagged at us since time commenced. Just don't expect to hear them aloud, because there's little chance that we'll ask you the sex questions that we really want answers to. You might freak out. Or dial 911. Or, worst of all, you might discover how clueless we are. So just what are men's most burning bedroom riddles? Here — according to sex therapists and an unofficial poll of dozens of men who participated in this story only under a veil of secrecy — are the questions that are likely simmering in your guy's head right now. Plus, you'll find some tips on how you can help him learn the answers in the least humiliating way possible.1. "She loves foreplay. My repertoire is a little limited and, honestly, foreplay's not my favorite part of sex. Any new tricks I can surprise her with?" If men tend to rush through foreplay, it's because we — to put it mildly — don't see it the same way you do. We're ready for sex the moment we have an erection. Delaying intercourse when we have an erection and a willing woman nearby? That's idiotic, according to our biological wiring. Look, we may have only so many potent hours in our lifetime. Asking us to waste even a precious few minutes on foreplay doesn't jibe with our evolutionary programming. To us, foreplay has only one purpose: to get you craving penetration as quickly as possible, by warming you up and helping you lubricate. To make that happen, we may touch you the way we like to be touched sexually — i.e., we make a rush for the genitals. "Women usually enjoy the lightest, feathery, teasing touch in areas that men don't necessarily think of as erotic, such as the face, hair, neck, and the sides of her body," says sex therapist Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D., author of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On. "Because men often don't like to be touched like this, they don't think to touch their partners like this."If you really want your guy to love foreplay and get creative with it, stop calling it "foreplay" and start calling it "building anticipation." "Men want to be playful," says Scott Haltzman, M.D., a clinical assistant professor at Brown University in Providence and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. As long as we know that sex is coming eventually, making a game out of getting there can create a mind-blowing urgency — one that will soon make sex without foreplay seem dull by comparison. Two ideas to build on:Set a timer, and tell him he's not allowed to take off his pants for 15 minutes. "It'll force him to become more creative," says Haltzman, "and it has all the buildup."Use sex candies. Or whipped cream. Bait the areas of your body where you want more attention — all the places he misses when going in for the kill. React passionately, and you'll soon make him a foreplay connoisseur — without uttering one (intelligible) word.2. "She can only climax when I give her oral sex. Is this normal?" It's not that guys feel inadequate, mind you. It's just that we like to see all of the effort and grit of intercourse culminate into something more than, well, you lovingly waiting to get yours. Our intentions are noble; it's our understanding of anatomy and female arousal that's lacking. "Men often think that intercourse triggers orgasm for women," says Sallie Foley, a marital and sexual therapist at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and author of Sex Matters for Women. "Actually, most women need direct stimulation of their clitoris in order to have an orgasm." Few guys know that almost half of women don't come during intercourse, so if you don't, we may think we're doing something wrong. The cure for this is a little knowledge. "When couples find out this is completely normal, it takes all the pressure off," says Foley. Experiment with positions that may give your clitoris more sensation, and use a vibrator or your fingers (or have him caress you) during sex. 3. "When I'm tired or just don't have my A-game working, I don't know if she wants me to keep going till she comes, or give up. Should I keep soldiering on or can I tell her I want to stop?" If you can't imagine why he couldn't just say, "I've had it — can we pick this up again tomorrow?" you've clearly never been a man. Quitting mid-game just because you're losing is a real weanie move. So when you sense that he's been pistoning on sheer willpower, cut him a face-saving break. Change the rhythm. Kiss your guy and say, "Let's stop just a minute — I want to put on some music," suggests Haltzman. Looking through CDs will break his "must please her" trance and mercifully let him collapse on the mattress. When you climb back into bed, stroke his chest or his back. He'll already be asleep. 4. "Our lovemaking's become routine. How can I get her to consider something new without having her freak out?"He's smart to be wondering about this, and it should be on your mind, too. "Routines are dangerous to sexual relationships because they can mean you've stopped paying attention," says Russell J. Stambaugh, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Ann Arbor, MI. "Arousal and desire are all about attention."We have countless common sexual fantasies, but those that involve you — our steady partner, and a woman who knows where we live — comprise a much shorter list. "The number one thing that guys want to try is anal sex," says Haltzman. If you're flatly not into it, tell him you'd like to have more sex in the doggie-style position, Haltzman suggests. A simulation is better than a total rejection. Among the other wishes men cite repeatedly: more oral sex, bondage or S&M play, having you dress provocatively for us and do a striptease, and threesomes. Some couples might discuss these ditties as casually as they would a grocery list. You and your guy aren't among them? Then be compassionate if he suggests something that you're not down with.
Chiefly, restrain from laughing and saying, "When hell freezes!" "He's putting himself on the line by asking this and probably feels pretty anxious," says Haltzman. You want to convey that you take his sick, perverse needs seriously. The winning response: "Let's think of something that can be just as exciting that I'm into, too." And remember, we might crave the kinky stuff, but almost anything new — a different perfume, a tight-fitting tee — can add a jolt when we're in a rut. We're pretty easy to please.5. "What is the most expert way to hit her alleged G-spot?"The G-spot has been the best and worst thing ever to happen to men. It's incredibly empowering to think there's a magic button we can push to make you blow through the gates of ecstasy. And it's infuriating and humiliating when we can't find this damned button or make it work.A secret: As long as you come, we're happy. It's when you can't come — or when we decide that we must do some experimenting, perhaps with your encouragement — that we begin looking for that mystical button-size zone on your upper vaginal wall. Every literate man in America over 25 has read the directions on G-spot stimulation at least 30 times: When you're fully aroused, he'll put his finger inside you, press up toward your navel, and lightly stroke you back and forth in a "come hither" fashion. And then you'll explode like an H-bomb.Right?Not necessarily. Just as many women won't orgasm from intercourse alone, many women don't respond to G-spot stimulation, says Zoldbrod. If it does nothing for you, show us what does put you over the top. Rest assured, we'll happily do whatever works.6. "She doesn't want me to go down on her if she hasn't showered immediately beforehand, even though I tell her that it's not necessary. Why is she so self-conscious?"Guys are not bashful about receiving oral sex, so when a woman is reluctant to receive it, we can't relate. We did learn during our dating days, however, that women fall into three camps regarding cunnilingus: They either love it, accept it but wish we'd stop, or close the gates of Oz and say, "No way, no how." Occasionally even a fervent female fan will decline. "I didn't know I'd be exposed tonight," one lover shyly said to me, perhaps because it had been 72 hours since she waxed. To date, I have never said that while holding up my boxers.If you see your guy's head traveling downward, consider any fears about your odors or tastes to be unfounded. Interestingly, your scents likely seem stronger and more unpleasant to you than they do to him, because you have a keener sense of smell (perhaps to prevent you from eating something poisonous while pregnant, scientists speculate). How much keener? A study of 50 subjects conducted by researchers at the State University of New York at Albany found that 19 out of 32 women could identify the scent of their own underarm odors (on gauze pads worn overnight, if you must know), while only one of 18 men could identify their own odor. And women rated their own scents and those of other females as more unpleasant than males did. So we detect aromas differently, which was probably apparent to you the first time you set foot in our apartment. So let him be spontaneous, won't you? If no amount of logic will make you comfortable, then shower together first, says Zoldbrod. All you need to say: "Honey, I know you love how I taste, but this will let me have a great orgasm with no distractions."
7. "I love it when she initiates sex. How can I get her to do it more often?" Men have wanted this since the Neolithic period. But unfortunately, even after all these years, we still don't always recognize it when it's happening. "His idea of her initiating sex might mean her prancing into the room in a negligee, and her idea may be giving him an extra-long kiss when he comes home," says Stambaugh. If he doesn't take the bait, even because he's had a stressful day at work, you may feel rejected and decide that you'll leave the initiating to him.This miscommunication illustrates a common problem. Women expect men to intuit things from obvious hints — such as "those earrings would look great with my new dress" — and then become frustrated when guys miss the message. "With men, you need to be explicit," says Haltzman. Look him in the eye (or send him a text message) and say, "Would you like to make love tonight?" Or be more playful and say, "How about a roll in the hay, soldier?" Either will thrill him. If you want to devise a subtler sign (such as, say, asking him to shave before bed), tell him what the code means the first time — and don't flip out when he forgets it the fifth time. 8. "I think I know when she's had an orgasm, but there's always the chance that she's faking. How can I tell that she had a real one?" To us, making you orgasm is like seeing the golf ball fall into the cup. Until that happens, it ain't over. We just keep on stroking and hope things don't get too embarrassing. And hope we have the energy to do it 17 more times. The catch: The damned ball is invisible, and only you know if we nailed the cup. The gravest, most unsporting insult you can give a man is to let him win out of pity, and the fear that you're doing just that — by faking your orgasm — may creep into his brain if he's the paranoid sort. Or if you've given him reason to suspect you of faking in the past.Men's magazines will tell us to look for orgasm clues like flushing and vaginal contractions, which strengthens the troubling notion that we need to be detectives. (And it becomes even more disheartening when we learn those can be faked, too.) You can kill all of this anxiety by uttering three words: "I didn't come."Say this, and then show us what to do to make it happen. Then we'll know and trust that you'll speak up when you don't get yours. We'll know you play fair. And we won't worry about it again.Finally, educate us by saying another short sentence, if it's true in your case. Tell your guy, "I don't always need to come to have great sex with you.""Highly sexually satisfied couples can take turns pleasing each other," says Stambaugh. You both don't always have to reach the peak to make the trip worthwhile, and couples learn that in time. A great script to use, says Haltzman: "It's an incredibly powerful feeling for me to see you having fun in bed, and you trying to give me an orgasm is just going to get in the way of it."Even if that's a lie, it's so sexy, we won't care.9. "How can I make my erection last longer for her?""Guys often joke that when they're in their early 20s, their erections are so firm that they could hang a towel on them," says Foley. (This frightens guests who enter the bathroom, however.) Of course, as a guy ages, what once held up a wet bath towel at 70 degrees may now only support a washcloth parallel to the ground.We don't greet this change happily."Men often buy into the male myth about how they should be performing," says Zoldbrod. If your guy is distracted during sex by thinking about his erection, he'll probably lose it. Learning that it's normal for his erection to wax and wane while he's making love can help a great deal. Sure, in his 20s, his erection stayed hard even when he wasn't being fondled. But now, if he's getting no touch, there's a natural "relaxation" until he becomes aroused again. Men need to know that they can ask for stimulation to stay hard, Zoldbrod says. (For your part, remember to include his inner thigh and perineum — the sensitive region under his testicles — as well as the penis.) And if he's unable to have an erection at all, consult a doctor. Many curable or treatable conditions could be to blame. If he's overweight or has high blood pressure or diabetes, you may have found your culprit.
10. "Sex once a week is plenty for her, but not for me. Can I do anything about it besides hinting and pleading?" We know that a dip in sex drive after marriage is normal in women. We heard the jokes at bachelor parties, and married life has confirmed the rumor. So has science; a British survey of more than 11,000 men and women ages 18 to 64 found that women had a decline in sexual desire after about three years of marriage, and in their 30s and 40s, many had sex drives that were lower than the men their ages had. Women with small children were more likely to report problems. What's behind the dip? Researchers attribute it to women's decreasing testosterone levels; men have 10 times as much of the sex hormone as women do, so to expect that we'd all have the same level of desire is ludicrous. Life pressures weigh women down, too. "Women in their mid- to late 30s tend to have way too much on their plates," says Zoldbrod. Mix a demanding job with kids, and sleep becomes more indulgent than sex.We get that. And many of us have no problem with it."My research has found that about 75 percent of men had stronger sex drives than their wives, but a significant percentage — more than a third — were comfortable with that," says Haltzman. Those who were okay with it tended to be older (starting in their late 30s), and to feel satisfied in their marriages overall, he explains. "Studies show that in a good marriage, sex only accounts for about 20 percent of what people say makes it good," Haltzman adds. So if the marriage is great, and you want sex once a week while we'd prefer it thrice, we probably don't care — as long as we're getting enough between-the-sheets time to feel like we have a loving partner.If your guy isn't happy with the boot-knocking frequency — a hint would be that you've turned down his last three overtures — bring this up and negotiate. "Men's sex drive is more than just a biological need, it's a drive to connect emotionally," explains Haltzman. And you, our beloved partner, are the one holding the key.

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

"...And they lived happily ever after." You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there.
Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.
That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.
Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.
That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.
Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.
Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.
If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done — it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.
"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.
You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.
Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."
4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's okay.
There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And....
Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)
And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."
The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.
5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.
Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."
The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm being heard, most of the time now, I don't even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it?
6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.
Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn't give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won't break us; they'll only make us stronger.
7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.
Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.
There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.
Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.
Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"
8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.
I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.
There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn't happen.
I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.
I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.
That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.